Tips & Tricks for Not Letting Your ADHD Sensitivity Ruin Your Relationships
Podcast · Barely Filtered · Episode 122
Hosted by Aurora Culpo · Guest: Shanna Pearson · · 25 min watch
On episode 122 of Barely Filtered, Shanna Pearson, founder of Expert ADHD Coaching and author of Invisible ADHD, returns to talk with Aurora Culpo about why medication alone isn’t enough, and the everyday habits that help: when to do your hardest work, what to eat, how to rest, and how to choose a partner.
This is the second of two parts. Part 1 covers overwhelm, rejection sensitivity and diagnosis.
In this episode
- Why ADHD medication helps you focus but not on the right things, and why people still need skills and a plan
- Mood scheduling: tracking your high- and low-energy times, and putting your hardest tasks in the high ones instead of starting the day on your phone
- The next-day “sugar hangover,” caffeine and protein, why Shanna doesn’t recommend supplements, and why sleep matters so much
- For mothers with ADHD: rest while the baby naps, even if you can’t sleep
- “Breaking Up With Boredom,” the story in Invisible ADHD about a fiancé who was everything she thought she wanted, and writing down what you want in a partner: “Go for the who, not the what”
- Why forgetting is more about attention than memory, and why Shanna calls feeling everything deeply beautiful
Episode links
- The video on YouTube, with chapter times
- Apple Podcasts and Spotify, for the audio episode
- Part 1 of the conversation
Transcript
This transcript follows the video above. Times are minutes and seconds into it. The audio episode runs a few seconds longer, so its times may differ slightly.
Aurora Culpo (0:00): (upbeat music) Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Barely Filtered. This is part two, talking to Shanna Pearson, our ADHD expert and coach. If you haven't already listened, go back to part one. She gives lots of helpful insights about how you or someone you know with ADHD can help to improve their life, and I have a few more questions for her. And man, our conversation went, you know, to be expected, a little all over the place, but we're gonna pick back up with medication, ADHD, and why, you know, some people who are taking medication doesn't really feel like their symptoms are improving. Can you tell us why that is, and where do you come in?
Shanna Pearson (0:49): So when you take medication, ADHD medication, the, the most common are the stimulants.
Aurora Culpo (0:55): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (0:56): And so now you're gonna have more dopamine, which is great, which is exactly what your brain needs. However, uh, my catchphrase for ADHD medication, and I think it's fantastic for a lot of people, but in, in terms of what everyone needs to know, is that the medication helps you focus-
Aurora Culpo (1:11): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (1:12): ... it doesn't help you focus on the right things.
Aurora Culpo (1:14): Right.
Shanna Pearson (1:14): So-
Aurora Culpo (1:14): I feel like it helped me focus on, where can I get more dopamine?
Shanna Pearson (1:18): I know. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (1:18): Like, it almost make me- it made me a fiend-
Shanna Pearson (1:20): Like-
Aurora Culpo (1:21): ... for, like (chuckles)
Shanna Pearson (1:21): I have this mission.
Aurora Culpo (1:22): Yeah. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (1:23): I need to get more-
Aurora Culpo (1:24): No one's gonna get in the way. I was a very-
Shanna Pearson (1:25): Right
Aurora Culpo (1:25): ... annoying person on ADHD medication to other people-
Shanna Pearson (1:28): The same, yeah
Aurora Culpo (1:28): ... because I just wasn't- it was my way... Like, I could- no one was gonna stop me from doing what I (chuckles) needed to do. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (1:34): I love that you said that, and I love that you did that-
Aurora Culpo (1:36): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (1:36): ... because that's exactly what it does. It's like, it's like this: it's like putting on invisible blinders, and all you can see is what's right in front of you, which means that you can be completely focused on your social media feed for eight hours-
Aurora Culpo (1:47): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (1:48): ... straight and get nothing done.
Aurora Culpo (1:50): Totally.
Shanna Pearson (1:50): But you're focused, right? But it also, when you're with your friends or your family, like, you're so hyperfocused on what you need to say and what you need to do, it's almost like it makes it impossible to see outside of yourself, which is not great.
Aurora Culpo (2:04): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (2:04): (chuckles) So that's why you need- that's why I really believe that people need skills, and tools, and, you know, a whole design in terms of here's what I want... Here's where I am, here's what I want in all of these different areas of my life, and here's how I'm gonna do it.
Aurora Culpo (2:19): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (2:19): And then do it.
Aurora Culpo (2:20): Okay. So whether or not you're on ADHD medication, you- and if you have ADHD, you need coaching.
Shanna Pearson (2:27): I think so. I mean, look at, like, you're all-
Aurora Culpo (2:29): I'm a coach, so I'm a little biased.
Shanna Pearson (2:30): I'm a little bit biased, but honestly, oh, my gosh, I would never in a billion years be doing this work after-
Aurora Culpo (2:37): Right
Shanna Pearson (2:37): ... all this time.
Aurora Culpo (2:39): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (2:39): There's no way. I couldn't stick with anything for more than a year and a half, ever. I would never be doing this work if it wasn't working.
Aurora Culpo (2:45): Right. So what kind of-
Shanna Pearson (2:46): That's the d- that's the positive stimulus
Aurora Culpo (2:48): ... Do you have hacks, or is it not something that's that easy of a takeaway?
Shanna Pearson (2:52): It's like, there's, like, little takeaways, but every... Our coaching program is a terrible business model-
Aurora Culpo (2:58): Okay
Shanna Pearson (2:58): ... because it's so individualized.
Aurora Culpo (3:00): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (3:01): And it, it really is.
Aurora Culpo (3:02): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (3:02): We don't have a product.
Aurora Culpo (3:03): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (3:03): We don't have a one-size-fits-all.
Aurora Culpo (3:05): Right.
Shanna Pearson (3:05): It's like we have one thing that we offer, and it's individualized performance coaching for people with ADHD or who think that they have ADHD, and your coaching sessions are gonna be totally different than your sister's coaching sessions-
Aurora Culpo (3:19): Okay
Shanna Pearson (3:19): ... or your brother's. You know, 'cause he has ADHD also.
Aurora Culpo (3:22): Right.
Shanna Pearson (3:22): Right?
Aurora Culpo (3:22): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (3:22): So everyone's is different, and so that's why there's no one-size-fits-all, but... And there's no person who's exactly the same. But the thing is, is that there's ways of doing things in general for people who have ADHD that, that work-
Aurora Culpo (3:36): Okay
Shanna Pearson (3:36): ... that are different than what neurotypical people have to do. Like-
Aurora Culpo (3:39): Okay, so I wake up in the morning. I have ADHD.
Shanna Pearson (3:42): (chuckles) Well, you got it.
Aurora Culpo (3:42): What's the first thing I should do? (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (3:44): (chuckles) Well, the first thing that you should do is not go- is not necessarily go on your phone.
Aurora Culpo (3:49): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (3:49): The first thing that you should do-
Aurora Culpo (3:50): I'm already starting off my day on the wrong foot.
Shanna Pearson (3:52): Exactly.
Aurora Culpo (3:52): But-
Shanna Pearson (3:52): But let's really, let's all do
Aurora Culpo (3:52): ... I can feel that that's not the right thing to do. (chuckles)
Shanna Pearson (3:54): We all do that, right?
Aurora Culpo (3:56): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (3:56): And so I have this thing where it's one of the first things we do with our clients who, who just are coming in, like, and they just don't know where to start, and it's called mood scheduling.
Aurora Culpo (4:06): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (4:07): So this is a big deal because we run with our moods. So you have very... You know, you've got good times of your day, and you've got bad times of your day.
Aurora Culpo (4:16): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (4:17): You know, just like we have good times of the month and bad times of the month, right?
Aurora Culpo (4:20): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (4:20): So we have you track your most productive, like, energized times of the day, whatever that is for you, and we also have you track your horrible times of the day, where you practically get nothing done, and you tend to just be, like, in your own, like, zone.
Aurora Culpo (4:35): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (4:35): You know, when you get off track, and you're just, like, on your phone a lot or just, like, you're just feeling-
Aurora Culpo (4:39): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (4:39): ... a little bit more depleted. And once we have that, we have you schedule your, basically your most difficult tasks at your highest energy times-
Aurora Culpo (4:51): Okay
Shanna Pearson (4:51): ... and your easiest tasks at your lowest... Wait, and your, (chuckles) and your easiest tasks when you're, when you've got no energy, at your lowest energy times. And what that does, first of all, a lot of us do actually have our best energy times in the beginning part of the day.
Aurora Culpo (5:07): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (5:07): And a lot of us also tend to use that time of day doing absolutely nothing valuable.
Aurora Culpo (5:12): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (5:12): So number one, it switches that because now you're... You know, you start your day doing, at least taking one or two steps towards one thing that you're gonna be accomplishing 'cause you're in that m- in that zone, with your energy. And just doing that, what you get done by the end of the week will go up, like, five times.
Aurora Culpo (5:32): Wow!
Shanna Pearson (5:32): I swear, just with that one thing because now you're, you're actually working with your own personal circadian rhythm.
Aurora Culpo (5:39): Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, and I can totally see how just having somebody to have to report that to would probably-
Shanna Pearson (5:45): Yeah (chuckles)
Aurora Culpo (5:45): ... make all the difference to me. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (5:46): (chuckles) I mean, like, Aurora!
Aurora Culpo (5:48): I know.
Shanna Pearson (5:49): I can see what you're doing. Why are you texting me now? No. (chuckles)
Aurora Culpo (5:52): I know.
Shanna Pearson (5:53): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (5:53): I ne- I think I need to do that, but I also... I don't know, I-... I feel like, like I've said to my boyfriend, like, "Okay, I don't want to scroll when I first wake up in the morning. I want to meditate," because when I was meditating-
Shanna Pearson (6:04): Right.
Aurora Culpo (6:04): I- I've gone through phases in my life where I've meditated for years, and it was super helpful for me.
Shanna Pearson (6:09): Mm.
Aurora Culpo (6:09): Um, probably also just because, like, I w- I- because I was meditating, I wasn't on my phone first thing in the morning. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (6:15): Right. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (6:15): Um, 'cause I think people with ADHD, what will happen is I'll be on my phone, and then something will catch me-
Shanna Pearson (6:20): Yeah
Aurora Culpo (6:20): ... like something that if I'm working on something, or like if somebody texts me something, or... And like then that's it for me. So it's almost like I'm not choosing where my day is going.
Shanna Pearson (6:30): Right.
Aurora Culpo (6:30): I'm picking up my phone, and my phone is choosing where my day is going.
Shanna Pearson (6:32): You are in reaction mode.
Aurora Culpo (6:34): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (6:34): Yeah, which you were probably for a lot of your life-
Aurora Culpo (6:36): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (6:37): ... in reaction mode.
Aurora Culpo (6:38): Yeah. Okay, so I like that tip. So first thing, or find the times of day when-
Shanna Pearson (6:43): Just find your high-energy times of day.
Aurora Culpo (6:45): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (6:45): Like, actually be conscious of looking at that, even just for today.
Aurora Culpo (6:48): Right.
Shanna Pearson (6:48): If I- if you have a, a viewer who's watching this, and they're like, "I c- I'm not gonna do that for three days"-
Aurora Culpo (6:52): Right
Shanna Pearson (6:52): ... 'cause people with ADHD, you know, three days seems like an eternity.
Aurora Culpo (6:56): Right.
Shanna Pearson (6:56): Do it just for today. Do it for tomorrow-
Aurora Culpo (6:58): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (6:58): ... and, or one day, you know?
Aurora Culpo (6:59): Okay. So how about people with ADHD, should we be avoiding certain foods or any certain lifestyle activities?
Shanna Pearson (7:09): I'm- you're gonna... A lot of people are gonna hate this, especially because there's candy in, in your workspace, and I, I love candy, but, and chocolate, but the thing is, is that processed sugar-
Aurora Culpo (7:18): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (7:19): ... literally wrecks total havoc-
Aurora Culpo (7:21): Really?
Shanna Pearson (7:22): ... on the ADHD brain. And it's almost... It's not- it's interesting, because you'll feel fine afterwards. It's like that hit-
Aurora Culpo (7:30): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (7:30): ... and you'll, and you'll feel good, and you might even feel fine through this whole sugar crash thing that happens two hours later. You might not even notice that.
Aurora Culpo (7:37): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (7:37): But we've noticed, because at this point, we have- we've had over 20,000 clients-
Aurora Culpo (7:43): Wow
Shanna Pearson (7:43): ... go through our coaching program, and it's one-on-one clients, so we are working with each individual. And so we've got such a great database of what, of what happens with people. The next day, (laughs) if somebody goes on a sugar binge, the next day is like, it's a write-off.
Aurora Culpo (7:58): Really?
Shanna Pearson (7:59): It feels like that for so many people.
Aurora Culpo (8:00): What are the symptoms?
Shanna Pearson (8:01): Just almost like depression syndrome, syn- symptom- almost like depression symptoms, and it's like they feel sad. They feel like they don't wanna... They're just not gonna get as much done, or they're not as productive, and I think it's really fascinating because it's the next day.
Aurora Culpo (8:18): Yes. Oh, my God, wait. I, I-
Shanna Pearson (8:20): (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (8:20): ... have never realized that before, especially because I don't ever feel a crash from sugar-
Shanna Pearson (8:25): Right
Aurora Culpo (8:25): ... and I don't- I'm fit, so I work out, and I don't really see a lot of negative side effects from sugar. But n- now that you mention it, I had a lot of sugar two days ago, and yesterday, I just-
Shanna Pearson (8:38): (gasps)
Aurora Culpo (8:38): ... felt flat.
Shanna Pearson (8:39): See? (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (8:39): And I was like, and I'm like, and I'm like, "Is it my hormones? I'm not PMS-ing. What is this?"
Shanna Pearson (8:42): What is it?
Aurora Culpo (8:43): "I'm gonna test this now."
Shanna Pearson (8:44): Oh, my gosh. No, I, I, it's, it's 100%. You have to watch this-
Aurora Culpo (8:48): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (8:49): ... because if this is happening for all of our, like, thousands of clients, this is not, like, some random coincidence.
Aurora Culpo (8:54): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (8:55): This is what happens. It's like I call it a sugar hangover. I'm sure other people-
Aurora Culpo (8:58): Right
Shanna Pearson (8:58): ... call it that as well, but it's, it's like, it's the... When you wake up the next day, you're not feeling like yourself, and you're just feeling off, and sugar tends to do that to us.
Aurora Culpo (9:06): Yeah. Well, that's a bummer 'cause that's, like, a-
Shanna Pearson (9:08): I know
Aurora Culpo (9:08): ... semi-okay. I thought it was, like, one of the better dopamine-seeking behaviors that I could have. (laughs) It's better than, like-
Shanna Pearson (9:14): I think
Aurora Culpo (9:14): ... alcohol. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (9:15): Totally. I- honestly, everything is in balance, right?
Aurora Culpo (9:18): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (9:18): It's like what your mom was telling you back in the day. It's just like, you don't need to eliminate, but you should eliminate as much as possible.
Aurora Culpo (9:24): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (9:24): And then when you eliminate something, there has to be something that fills the space.
Aurora Culpo (9:28): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (9:29): You have to have something, so you have to c- be conscious 'cause it's like, you know, the universe abhors a vacuum. It'll just, like, put whatever happens to be there in front. So choose what you want to fill the space of, like, if you normally have, you know, this amount of sugar every day, make sure to have something different that you also really like.
Aurora Culpo (9:46): Right.
Shanna Pearson (9:46): Yeah, a protein bar.
Aurora Culpo (9:46): Okay, one thing that's helped me is after meals, when I usually want some kind of reward or sweet treat, going on a walk-
Shanna Pearson (9:54): Yeah
Aurora Culpo (9:54): ... really helps me. I feel like, for me, it's, like, stimulating, and it feels like a reward-
Shanna Pearson (10:00): Totally
Aurora Culpo (10:01): ... to be able to just, like, get out, get fresh air, go on a walk, um.
Shanna Pearson (10:03): I think that's amazing.
Aurora Culpo (10:04): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (10:04): It's a, it's a phenomenal habit-
Aurora Culpo (10:06): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (10:06): ... like after you eat, to go for a walk.
Aurora Culpo (10:08): I know.
Shanna Pearson (10:08): And, you know, for people that have pets, you know, you know, go play with your pet. (chuckles)
Aurora Culpo (10:12): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (10:12): Take the pet... You know, if you have a dog, take the dog for a walk or, you know, do something else that's not what, you know, the, the "negative stimulus."
Aurora Culpo (10:20): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (10:21): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (10:21): So, so ADHD people should not have sugar.
Shanna Pearson (10:23): Well-
Aurora Culpo (10:24): Um, how do you-
Shanna Pearson (10:24): A little bit, but not- (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (10:25): You should not have refined sugar-
Shanna Pearson (10:27): Yeah
Aurora Culpo (10:27): ... in excess.
Shanna Pearson (10:28): Yeah. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (10:28): Um-
Shanna Pearson (10:28): There you go.
Aurora Culpo (10:29): But also, yeah, let's keep an eye on that. Like, those of you out there who have ADHD, let's, let's try to take, like, a little mental note of how do you feel the next day?
Shanna Pearson (10:38): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (10:38): Maybe it's not... 'Cause I always thought that it would have to be an immediate reaction.
Shanna Pearson (10:41): Nope, that's what we're told.
Aurora Culpo (10:41): 'Cause that's what I see in little boys.
Shanna Pearson (10:42): We're told that with kids.
Aurora Culpo (10:43): Little- my son, if I give him sugar, you're gonna see his-
Shanna Pearson (10:46): Instantly
Aurora Culpo (10:46): ... mood change, or his mood is... Yeah, but, um-
Shanna Pearson (10:50): Instantly.
Aurora Culpo (10:51): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (10:52): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (10:52): Okay, so what about things like caffeine? Is that okay?
Shanna Pearson (10:56): I think caffeine's fine.
Aurora Culpo (10:57): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (10:57): Yeah, I have nothing to say that's anything negative about caffeine.
Aurora Culpo (11:00): Yes. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (11:00): I think caffeine in moderation is, is fine. It's a stimulant.
Aurora Culpo (11:04): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (11:04): Um, a lot of people with ADHD swear by it.
Aurora Culpo (11:07): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (11:08): You know, um, a lot- some people with ADHD who, who refuse to take medication are like, two cups of coffee a day, that's their-
Aurora Culpo (11:14): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (11:14): ... that's their stimulant.
Aurora Culpo (11:14): That's their medication. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (11:15): I'm a coffee drinker.
Aurora Culpo (11:16): Yeah. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (11:16): I see nothing wrong with it. Like, it's, you know, my life is fine, and my health is great, and-
Aurora Culpo (11:21): Okay
Shanna Pearson (11:22): ... you know, I've got... I, I think caffeine is fine. I don't, like, drink coffee at 3:00 PM. That would wreck me.
Aurora Culpo (11:27): Right.
Shanna Pearson (11:27): But, you know, in the morning, um, I'm- I think protein tends to be really good for us.
Aurora Culpo (11:33): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (11:33): And I know this is so common, and everyone's, like, talking about protein-
Aurora Culpo (11:36): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (11:36): ... but it's really good for our brain.
Aurora Culpo (11:38): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (11:38): And, you know, it also, it also creates... I al- I think of it like a little blanket. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (11:44): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (11:44): It just, like, creates this, like, soft, like, kind of support-
Aurora Culpo (11:48): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (11:49): ... where we're not feeling like, like we're, like, loose and, like, coming outside of the lines.
Aurora Culpo (11:53): Right.
Shanna Pearson (11:53): It just, like, it just holds us.
Aurora Culpo (11:55): Are there any other supplements that you'd recommend to somebody who has ADHD that maybe is wanting to avoid medication?
Shanna Pearson (12:02): ... I don't recommend supplements, because here's why. Some supplements are awesome for some people, and they swear by it, and then will, like, talk about it to other people, and they'll get sick. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (12:13): Oh, no.
Shanna Pearson (12:13): Or they'll just feel, like, really bad on it or just, like, you know, it, it wrecked their entire week or whatever. So I've stopped recommending supplements, 'cause every body is different.
Aurora Culpo (12:22): Right.
Shanna Pearson (12:22): But, um, I really believe that if you find- I believe that diet is a big deal. I believe protein is awesome, and, you know, go low on the-
Aurora Culpo (12:31): Mm
Shanna Pearson (12:31): ... on the processed sugar, and definitely get enough sleep, which is so, like, so basic.
Aurora Culpo (12:38): I know.
Shanna Pearson (12:39): And I think it-
Aurora Culpo (12:39): But it, it makes a huge difference.
Shanna Pearson (12:40): It does. Like, if you think about people who you know that don't have ADHD, think about, like, anybody, like your sister, okay?
Aurora Culpo (12:47): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (12:47): She doesn't have ADHD.
Aurora Culpo (12:48): Yeah, right.
Shanna Pearson (12:49): But let's just say she didn't sleep, or she got, like, two hours of sleep last night. What would her symptoms be the next day?
Aurora Culpo (12:55): Yeah, probably crankiness, uh, or like, sort of like ADHD symptoms, right? Inability to focus, maybe-
Shanna Pearson (13:01): Yeah, she'd be irritable-
Aurora Culpo (13:01): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (13:02): ... inability to focus, maybe more impulsive, impatient, you know, like, all of these, like, ADHD symptoms. So then you have an ADHD person who doesn't have... You know, doesn't get enough sleep, and sometimes it's because they're taking ADHD medication. But you put these two things together, and it's just- it exacerbates every symptom.
Aurora Culpo (13:18): Right. Well-
Shanna Pearson (13:19): So sleep is a big deal
Aurora Culpo (13:19): ... it, it reminds me of when I first had my son. So I'm thinking about now being an ADHD person who's- has not been formally diagnosed, getting absolutely no sleep with my new baby, and then-
Shanna Pearson (13:30): Oh, my gosh, yeah
Aurora Culpo (13:30): ... also having the multitask that is mothering. What kind of tools (laughs) and tips do you give to mothers with ADHD?
Shanna Pearson (13:38): Wow, that's, that's terrific. What did we do when we had our babies? You can't, like... You have to get as much sleep as you can, and it sounds... Number one, take some pressure off yourself-
Aurora Culpo (13:50): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (13:50): ... and allow yourself, which is, I think, a big deal, 'cause a lot of people don't do this. Allow yourself to nap when your baby is napping.
Aurora Culpo (13:57): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (13:57): Like, give yourself that.
Aurora Culpo (13:59): Right.
Shanna Pearson (13:59): When your baby's a newborn, you don't have to cook them meals.
Aurora Culpo (14:02): It's true.
Shanna Pearson (14:02): You don't. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (14:03): (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (14:04): Right? Like, there's things that you don't have to do, that you should take that time, and 100% make sure you're sleeping if you can-
Aurora Culpo (14:10): Right
Shanna Pearson (14:10): ... or r- or resting. That's, like, number one. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (14:13): It's so- I, I used to hate that advice. I'm not gonna lie.
Shanna Pearson (14:16): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (14:16): It, like, triggered me when people would be like, "Sleep when the baby's sleeping," because especially with somebody with an ADHD brain, like, I could be tired, but my brain is not gonna take a nap.
Shanna Pearson (14:24): So you have to- so that's fine. (laughs) You just relax.
Aurora Culpo (14:26): You just relax.
Shanna Pearson (14:27): You just relax. Like, I couldn't sleep.
Aurora Culpo (14:28): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (14:29): I'm not a s- I'm not a napper-
Aurora Culpo (14:30): Mm
Shanna Pearson (14:30): ... and I'm not even a great sleeper. But I would, I would just, like, lie down-
Aurora Culpo (14:34): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (14:35): ... and close my eyes or listen to music.
Aurora Culpo (14:37): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (14:37): And that was a game-changer.
Aurora Culpo (14:40): Yeah. I do feel like that's something that I've learned in- since having kids. I always thought, like, "I'm not even gonna bother laying down, because I, I know I can't nap. I'm not a napper."
Shanna Pearson (14:49): You don't have to nap.
Aurora Culpo (14:50): But you actually... Yeah-
Shanna Pearson (14:51): Mm
Aurora Culpo (14:51): ... if you just lay down and, like, get rid of 90% of the stimuli, it actually makes a huge difference. It really does.
Shanna Pearson (14:57): It recharges you.
Aurora Culpo (14:58): Even for 10 minutes.
Shanna Pearson (14:59): Yeah, I love it. I love that you say that, and it's 100% true. You don't need to sleep.
Aurora Culpo (15:03): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:03): So stop telling yourself to sleep. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (15:05): Yeah, (laughs) yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:05): If you can't sleep-
Aurora Culpo (15:05): That's even more stressful. Then you're like, "I'm so broken." (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (15:08): I can't sleep. I can't sleep.
Aurora Culpo (15:08): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:08): Why can't I sleep? What's wrong with me?
Aurora Culpo (15:10): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:10): No, just, just chill. Just close your eyes-
Aurora Culpo (15:12): Mm
Shanna Pearson (15:13): ... and listen to music-
Aurora Culpo (15:13): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (15:14): ... if you can't sleep. No problem.
Aurora Culpo (15:15): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:16): Yeah, and, and, and take that time. Don't think you need to do something else.
Aurora Culpo (15:20): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (15:20): That is, like, our number one downfall is like, "Oh, wait, let me just do this. Oh, no, I have to do that."
Aurora Culpo (15:27): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:27): Get that... Like, like, nix that-
Aurora Culpo (15:29): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (15:29): ... and, and just relax.
Aurora Culpo (15:31): Right.
Shanna Pearson (15:31): Like, have a special time to relax, like a special... Have a separate time to relax that's just, like, this time, and you will definitely be more, like, higher functioning.
Aurora Culpo (15:39): Right.
Shanna Pearson (15:40): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (15:40): Okay. Um, is being a taskmaster one of the symptoms of ADHD? I feel like, like, checking things off a list, is that an ADHD thing, or is that just a me thing? (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (15:50): It's a you- it's a you-
Aurora Culpo (15:51): (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (15:51): ... and a lot of other people thing.
Aurora Culpo (15:53): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (15:53): It's, like, a little bit... It's, like, could be... I m- I, I met this psychiatrist who, like, considered that like OCD.
Aurora Culpo (15:59): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (15:59): And I'm like, "Well, okay, great, now we've got this label."
Aurora Culpo (16:02): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (16:02): He's like, "Well, if you have to have these, like, to-do things, and you have to cross things out, well, that's OCD."
Aurora Culpo (16:07): Right.
Shanna Pearson (16:07): Well, call it whatever you will. It's gratifying-
Aurora Culpo (16:09): Right
Shanna Pearson (16:10): ... and it's a dopamine hit, right, like what you're saying.
Aurora Culpo (16:11): It's a... I mean, it's just a dopamine hit-
Shanna Pearson (16:12): Yeah
Aurora Culpo (16:12): ... is what it really is.
Shanna Pearson (16:13): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (16:14): Um-
Shanna Pearson (16:14): So but a lot of people with ADHD are not taskmasters-
Aurora Culpo (16:18): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (16:18): ... and, and they have ADHD.
Aurora Culpo (16:19): That makes sense.
Shanna Pearson (16:19): So I think that's just, like, what we do.
Aurora Culpo (16:21): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (16:21): Like-
Aurora Culpo (16:21): It's so interesting how it can look so different for men and women but also just among women, too-
Shanna Pearson (16:28): Oh, it does
Aurora Culpo (16:28): ... it just can look so different.
Shanna Pearson (16:30): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (16:30): Um-
Shanna Pearson (16:31): It really does. That's why it has- that's why I'm, I'm a big believer in individualized help, because there's, like, there truly is no one size fits all.
Aurora Culpo (16:38): Right, yeah. What do you... Well, how do you help people who feel like their ADHD has gotten in the way of their romantic relationships?
Shanna Pearson (16:47): You figure out... Like, we, we go back, and we figure out how it got in the way.
Aurora Culpo (16:51): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (16:52): 'Cause you can't just put a blanket on something like, "Well, this..." You know, like, how? Did you have... Did you, like... You know, did you have affairs? (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (16:59): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (16:59): Were you, like, constantly looking at other people while you were with this person? Was this person just not interesting to you? You know, there's a, there's a-
Aurora Culpo (17:07): They have to be stimulating enough, right?
Shanna Pearson (17:09): There's a story in my book. It ca- it's called Breaking Up With Boredom-
Aurora Culpo (17:13): Mm
Shanna Pearson (17:13): ... and it's a very short story about one of my fiancés- (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (17:16): (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (17:16): ... who, um, he was, like, everything I thought I wanted, everything. He was a doctor. He was, like, a really, like, good doctor at the head of his department. He was tall. He was really gorgeous. He was amazing. He was like what my parents thought I should marry.
Aurora Culpo (17:30): Right.
Shanna Pearson (17:31): Right? And, and he was the most boring person on the planet.
Aurora Culpo (17:34): Ah.
Shanna Pearson (17:35): But I was so caught up in who he was-
Aurora Culpo (17:38): Mm-hmm
Shanna Pearson (17:38): ... and what we were doing, 'cause he was able to afford, um... You know, he was able to afford things I could never have afforded-
Aurora Culpo (17:45): Mm
Shanna Pearson (17:45): ... at the time, and, like, he would take me traveling to, like, amazing places, and it was so fun, but he was not fun.
Aurora Culpo (17:53): Yeah. Oh, I feel like we've, uh, we... It sounds like, uh, one of the people that I've dated.
Shanna Pearson (17:57): Right?
Aurora Culpo (17:57): Like, I just feel like our story-
Shanna Pearson (17:59): We were dating the same person (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (18:00): ... (laughs) yeah, it's like the same-
Shanna Pearson (18:01): I don't know
Aurora Culpo (18:01): ... same story.
Shanna Pearson (18:02): But, like, that's, you know... Let's figure it out. So I, I really figured out that, you know, go for the who, not the what.... but I wouldn't have been able to figure that out had I not been aware that I was the stimulus and the dopamine of who this guy was, and, like, what people were saying about him, and the places we would travel, and all of the exciting lifestyles.
Aurora Culpo (18:20): Yeah, it's like, do I like him or did I like- (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (18:22): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (18:22): (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (18:22): Was it him or was it the what? You know?
Aurora Culpo (18:24): Yeah. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (18:24): And so that was, that was a huge thing, but you have to kind of dissect it a little bit. And, and once you dissect it and know what you've been going for and what you wanna be going for, it- that's a game changer also.
Aurora Culpo (18:35): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (18:36): Yeah, and write it down so you don't forget. That's really important, because you might think, "Okay, I know I should be going for this kind of guy, and, you know, this is, like, the kind of things that I want." But then when you meet another guy who's not that, and he's so hot, and you're really into him, like, you're gonna forget all of, all of everything-
Aurora Culpo (18:54): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (18:54): ... and you'll just be like, "Wow, I really like you-
Aurora Culpo (18:56): Right
Shanna Pearson (18:56): ... even though you're very bad for me." So-
Aurora Culpo (18:57): The dopamine is very blinding.
Shanna Pearson (18:59): And very- v- yeah, it takes over. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (19:01): It takes over.
Shanna Pearson (19:02): So, so just... Yeah, it's good to write things down to remind yourself. I mean, I, I love that. That helped me so much.
Aurora Culpo (19:08): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (19:08): And I'm, like, looking at this, and I'm like, "No, I can't go out with this guy again."
Aurora Culpo (19:11): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (19:11): "What was I thinking?" (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (19:12): Journaling.
Shanna Pearson (19:13): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (19:13): Okay, yeah, that's something that I, I feel like I also need to practice. Um, is it- does memory suffer from ADHD?
Shanna Pearson (19:20): Short term.
Aurora Culpo (19:21): Short-term memory.
Shanna Pearson (19:22): Yeah, because we have... I don't even know. I wouldn't even say it's memory. People say it's a memory thing, but the truth is, I really believe it's like we're just thinking of so many things-
Aurora Culpo (19:33): Mm
Shanna Pearson (19:33): ... all at the same time, that there's- it's really hard for one thing to, like, lock itself in, that you, like, remember it later that day-
Aurora Culpo (19:41): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (19:41): ... or the next day. It's really hard, because there's, like, 50,000 things competing for your attention. It's-
Aurora Culpo (19:47): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (19:47): ... you think about it like, like in a, in a classroom, there's that one problem kid that's gonna get all the attention.
Aurora Culpo (19:54): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (19:54): So what are you gonna remember? You're gonna remember not what you have to remember. You're gonna remember the most interesting-
Aurora Culpo (19:59): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (19:59): ... you know, stimulating thing that's going on in your mind.
Aurora Culpo (20:02): Totally.
Shanna Pearson (20:02): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (20:02): And sometimes the loudest thing is not the most important. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (20:05): Usually it isn't.
Aurora Culpo (20:05): Usually it isn't, yeah.
Shanna Pearson (20:05): Usually it's exactly what you should be forgetting-
Aurora Culpo (20:07): (laughs) Yeah
Shanna Pearson (20:07): ... right? But, but, no, we just, like, stick to it. So there's... Yeah, I talk about that in my book, too. There's, like, a whole chapter on memory, because I don't really think it's actually our memory. I think it's our attention.
Aurora Culpo (20:19): Well, that makes me feel better-
Shanna Pearson (20:20): Yeah
Aurora Culpo (20:20): ... a little less broken, too.
Shanna Pearson (20:21): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (20:22): Um-
Shanna Pearson (20:22): No, you're just- you just have ADHD. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (20:24): (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (20:24): Like, don't worry, it's fixable. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (20:27): Let's, let's end this segment on what are, what are some good things that come with ADHD that normal muggles don't have? (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (20:38): Well, um, this... I, I- first of all, I'm gonna be so honest. I don't think ADHD... I think there's a lot of- there's been talk where, you know, ADHD is, like, this hidden superpower.
Aurora Culpo (20:49): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (20:49): I don't actually believe that.
Aurora Culpo (20:50): Oh, man.
Shanna Pearson (20:51): I think-
Aurora Culpo (20:51): That's what I was hoping... I hoped you were gonna tell me I was really special. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (20:54): You are special, but you're not special because you have ADHD.
Aurora Culpo (20:57): (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (20:57): You're special 'cause you're, you're awesome.
Aurora Culpo (20:58): Oh, okay. Thank you.
Shanna Pearson (20:59): (clears throat) You're awesome-
Aurora Culpo (21:00): Okay, yeah
Shanna Pearson (21:00): ... in many, many ways.
Aurora Culpo (21:02): I'll take it.
Shanna Pearson (21:02): And the thing is that, like, ADHD, h- honestly... And it's like what we were talking about earlier, how everyone feels like they have ADHD because everything is, like, chaotic, and there's so much information, and we have to remember so many things, and ADHD sucks.
Aurora Culpo (21:16): Mm.
Shanna Pearson (21:17): It really does, and it's painful, and it's hard, and it's not something that, like, should be minimized.
Aurora Culpo (21:22): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (21:23): Um, I don't really believe it's a superpower in any way. That said, it is totally manageable.
Aurora Culpo (21:30): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (21:30): It really is, and it's like, if anything, it would be a superpower about it... Like, especially as a woman who has ADHD, we feel everything.
Aurora Culpo (21:39): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (21:40): And I, I honestly, in my heart of hearts, like, there's nothing more beautiful than that.
Aurora Culpo (21:45): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (21:45): Because, like, that's, that's the... that's our life.
Aurora Culpo (21:47): Totally.
Shanna Pearson (21:47): Like, imagine going through life without feeling. Like, everything is an emotional experience-
Aurora Culpo (21:52): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (21:52): ... right? And so women with ADHD, we do feel everything, and for better or for worse.
Aurora Culpo (21:57): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (21:57): But foc- if you focus on the better and, and keep exaggerating, and, and, and doing better, and s- you know, moving forward towards what you want, and towards who you want, and all of those things, like, it gets... Like, the feelings get bigger-
Aurora Culpo (22:12): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (22:12): ... and better, and that is something that a lot of pe- a lot of neurotypical people don't have.
Aurora Culpo (22:17): Right.
Shanna Pearson (22:17): And I think it's beautiful.
Aurora Culpo (22:18): I do, too.
Shanna Pearson (22:19): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (22:19): And I also think that you see a lot of, um, women, especially later in life, that when they start to click on these things, whether... Even if they haven't gotten a formal diagnosis, but when they figured out kind of how to navigate their, the things that have held them back-
Shanna Pearson (22:35): Yeah
Aurora Culpo (22:35): ... um, and things start falling into place, it's kind of miraculous, the things that can happen.
Shanna Pearson (22:40): Oh, my God.
Aurora Culpo (22:41): And, like, the feeling deeply is something that can be used in so many great ways.
Shanna Pearson (22:45): Huge.
Aurora Culpo (22:46): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (22:46): No, it's huge, and, and to really lock it in, because interestingly enough, we tend to feel the negative (laughs) very deeply-
Aurora Culpo (22:54): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (22:54): ... and the positive sort of just, like, goes right over our head. (laughs)
Aurora Culpo (22:57): (laughs) Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (22:57): You know?
Aurora Culpo (22:57): Too fleeting.
Shanna Pearson (22:57): And we're just like, "Wait, did I do that? No, I didn't really do that." So, like, to help our... Like, we help our clients, like, lock in, and, like, really, really, like, focus on the positives that did happen-
Aurora Culpo (23:08): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (23:08): ... because-
Aurora Culpo (23:08): To savor them
Shanna Pearson (23:09): ... they do happen.
Aurora Culpo (23:10): Mm-hmm.
Shanna Pearson (23:10): And they happen quite a bit. We just don't notice them because the negatives take a much more stimulating... They're more of a dopamine hit to focus on the negative, because it's more p- pain-
Aurora Culpo (23:19): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (23:19): ... is sharper than feelings of pleasure.
Aurora Culpo (23:22): Right.
Shanna Pearson (23:22): Right? So, so part of it is also, like, really balancing yourself and, and learning how to-
Aurora Culpo (23:28): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (23:28): ... acknowledge and focus on all of the awesome and creating more awesome, especially-
Aurora Culpo (23:32): Amazing
Shanna Pearson (23:32): ... is a big thing.
Aurora Culpo (23:33): Well, I'm gonna check out your coaching, because I've never had ADHD coaching before-
Shanna Pearson (23:37): Oh
Aurora Culpo (23:37): ... which I feel like is... Yeah, I don't... I, I definitely could use probably some assistance. L- e- even just somebody to check in with. (laughs) I feel like I need-
Shanna Pearson (23:44): Oh, my gosh
Aurora Culpo (23:45): ... need somebody to hold me accountable that's not, like, my boyfriend, 'cause I feel bad giving him that job.
Shanna Pearson (23:48): You can't.
Aurora Culpo (23:49): No. (laughs)
Shanna Pearson (23:49): You can't. It- that'll be, like... That's, like, such a-
Aurora Culpo (23:52): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (23:52): ... No, you're not allowed to give it to your boyfriend, because, like, there's something that ruins relationships more than... It's like us telling our boyfriends what to do.
Aurora Culpo (23:58): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (23:58): Like, that's not gonna work.
Aurora Culpo (23:59): No, I don't like that.
Shanna Pearson (24:00): (laughs) It's not gonna work.
Aurora Culpo (24:01): Okay.
Shanna Pearson (24:01): So-
Aurora Culpo (24:01): So where can people find you? What's your book called? Where can we find your book?
Shanna Pearson (24:06): So our coaching company is adhdcoaching.com. It's really simple. It's, um-
Aurora Culpo (24:11): Right, yeah
Shanna Pearson (24:11): ... the biggest, and it's the best. The reason why we're as big as we are is because what we do works.
Aurora Culpo (24:16): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (24:16): And, and it's cool, 'cause we don't lock anyone into anything. Like, nobody needs to be here, but everyone stays because it's working.
Aurora Culpo (24:23): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (24:23): So I love that, and, uh, the book is called Invisible ADHD, and it will be available September 9th-
Aurora Culpo (24:29): Oh, okay
Shanna Pearson (24:30): ... um, depending on when you-
Aurora Culpo (24:31): And is it on Audible?
Shanna Pearson (24:31): It is on Audible.
Aurora Culpo (24:32): Okay, good.
Shanna Pearson (24:33): I just recorded it-
Aurora Culpo (24:34): I love that
Shanna Pearson (24:34): ... last month.
Aurora Culpo (24:34): Is it your voice?
Shanna Pearson (24:35): It is.
Aurora Culpo (24:35): Oh, yay! (claps)
Shanna Pearson (24:36): (laughs) So but this is... The, this book is, is... This book has over 100 coaching tips, and techniques, and systems in it.
Aurora Culpo (24:45): Oh, I'm gonna listen to it. I can't wait.
Shanna Pearson (24:45): Like, I held nothing back here, so it is all in one book. Um, the stuff that's... The, the tools and the techniques that are in this book have already been proven to work-
Aurora Culpo (24:54): Yay
Shanna Pearson (24:55): ... with thousands of people. So it's, it's like, if even one works for you, your life will get better.
Aurora Culpo (25:00): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (25:00): So-
Aurora Culpo (25:00): Amazing.
Shanna Pearson (25:01): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (25:01): And I love that Dr. Amen wrote the foreword.
Shanna Pearson (25:04): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (25:04): He's a-
Shanna Pearson (25:04): Yeah, he's a... The Doc- the Amen Clinic send us so many clients, again, 'cause what we do-
Aurora Culpo (25:08): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (25:08): ... they've learned what we do works-
Aurora Culpo (25:10): Yeah
Shanna Pearson (25:10): ... and what they do works and what we do works.
Aurora Culpo (25:11): Yeah.
Shanna Pearson (25:12): So it's great.
Aurora Culpo (25:13): Awesome.
Shanna Pearson (25:13): Yeah.
Aurora Culpo (25:13): Okay, well, thank you so much for being with us today, and-
Shanna Pearson (25:16): This was so fun
Aurora Culpo (25:17): ... I think so many people will get a lot out of that. I know I did.
Shanna Pearson (25:19): Good.
Aurora Culpo (25:19): Yay.
Shanna Pearson (25:20): Yeah, I hope so.
Transcribed from the episode audio.